The Sexual Fantasies of Gummy Bears
© 2000 Nicola Doering, Ph.D.
Although research on gummy bears has brought forth an abundance of empirical and theoretical contributions over the course of the last few years (see especially the collection of papers from the famous Gummy Bear Laboratory in Germany: http://www.gummibaeren-forschung.de/), the question of gummy bears' sexuality remains mostly unclear. Indeed, the question was often completely overlooked, as gummy bears were long considered to be non-sexy by nature. In fact not even the U.S. government has bothered to include gummy bears in its otherwise straightforward public nudity laws. The world-wide acceptance of naked gummy bears of all ages hanging out in overcrowded coed bags can only be understood as an assumption of their genuine asexuality (Figure 1).
But are the bears really that innocent? Haven't we heard of gummy bears who just couldn't help it and put their sexual feelings in words? Unfortunately, these telling personal narratives are difficult to find as we are presented with the problem that risqué texts only seldom stick to the water repellant inside walls of the gummy bears' bags (an act of sexual repression on the part of fundamentalistic bag producers?). Given these conditions, how can we gather any knowledge whatsoever about the little gummy bears' sexual fantasies?
After years of field studies in candy shops, children's rooms, office cabinets, kitchen drawers, and pantries Friday (1997) now presents a comprehensive collection of gummy bears' sexual fantasies (Figure 2). The author opens the door for us, not just to the gummy bears' sexual fantasy world in all of its (sometimes shocking) dimensions, but also supplies a whole row of plausible explanations for the bears' fantasy productions. This paper briefly discusses the most important findings.
A frequent motif in gummy bears' sexual fantasies is oral union with the person of the holy bag creator. The surprisingly close connection between sexuality and spirituality typical for the bears remained a mystery to gummy bear research for a very long time. Thus Gerdes (1996) rightly points out the bears` longing for "weightless floating in space" but fails to realize that this desire to move upward is obviously and libidinously directed toward the holy bag creator (Figure 3).
Shall we follow those theologians who keep arguing that the bears` seeming urge for oral union is just an expression of their pursuit of union in prayer? The question of whether Baudrillard's (1990) dictum of the "Fatal S(t)imulacra" refers to visitations of the holy bag creator or to the genitalia of the male gummy bear cannot be cleared here once and for all.
The days in which the motto "a bag
an orgy" applied are long since gone.
Why precisely experimental psychologists should play such a major role in the bears' sexual fantasies remains a mystery. Even the bears, as accustomed to researchers as they are, cannot explain their obsession in plausible terms. Most attempts at explanation (brought forth in gushing tones) indicate that gummy bears are extremely easy to impress: "he helped me out of the bag" - "he left me my bag" - "he was like a bag to me." Interestingly gummy bears who had participated in experiments conducted by physicists as opposed to psychologists never reported any erotic interest in their experimenters (see the Physical Science Gummy Bear Lab for more information on gummy bear experiments: http://ousdmail.ousd.k12.ca.us/~caleb/lessons/labgummybear.html).
The exact number of gummy bears who are really turned on by aluminum foil is unknown. Feelings of shame prevent most bears from admitting to this unusual inclination. Still, the European Aluminium Foil Association EAFA (http://www.alufoil.org/) reports an alarming increase of alu-philia among gummy bears. It need not be emphasized that we are referring to fantasies here and fantasies only (actually to repressed fantasies!). After all, a healthy sensitivity to both moral and environmental standards forbids the practicing of aluminum foil fetishism.
Several gummy bears admit that they think of teeth (sometimes even of dentures) when masturbating. Others entertain themselves with images of humans eating and imagine being chewed and swallowed themselves. Gummy bears are not afraid to play with fire either. One repeatedly encounters bear fantasy scenarios including toasters, microwaves and ovens, all just waiting to heat up the lascivious little bears. The bears do not seem to be aware that such games can end in death. We stand back aghast as more and more gummy bears openly admit "I think M. Kelani is sexy". (If you are brave enough check out the horrible personal homepage of the gummy bear torturer and murderer M. Kelani: http://www.kelani.com/gummi/torture.html) There you have it! No one is now laughing at those Internet Censorship Campaigns which early on called for a Kelani-free Internet.
Why oh why can't the bears just stick to soft, light and fruity fantasies? This brings us to the reasons for fantasizing.
Gummy bears don't like to talk about it, but it is true: Due to their limited repertoire of communicative and expressive behavior paired with certain anatomic handicaps bears are only able to mate in one position. Almost all of them, however, read Vatsyayana`s Gummy Sutra (Figure 4). No wonder things are bound not to work out.
The research literature is filled with extensive reports on the spontaneous disappearance of both married and unmarried gummy bears. Rows of valuable research subjects are lost to experimental psychology because of this phenomenon. But the spontaneous disappearance is far more devastating to the remaining bears (Figure 5). They lose approximately 40 to 60 percent of their current sexual partners (not even counting the potentials ones). No one will think the less of a lonely bear who seeks escape in fantasy as long as the bear does not develop too much self-love in the process.
The thought alone is beyond the scope of this paper.
Despite numerous protests by Animal Peace (http://www.animal-peace.org/) and PETA (http://www.peta.com/), gummy bears must still endure hours of transport by truck. The vehicle's shaking sends seemingly never ending vibrations through the bears' elastic bodies. Pragmatic bears are able to use sexual fantasies to distract themselves from their motion sickness. The others become nauseous. Those familiar with the "Fear of Being Transported by Truck" (Jong, 1995) are all too familiar with the situation (Figure 6).
Although gummy bears are often told: "Don't hang around in the bag all day go out and get some fresh air," many stick around inside the bag reading. Have we ever given serious thought to what influence dubious reading material could have on the feelings and thoughts of an idle gummy bear? Is it any wonder that, after growing up with uncensored bedside books obviously inspired by loose human morals, gummy bears are increasingly leaving their protective bag in the late hours of evening and night and proceeding, scantily-clothed and compliant, to the vicinity of movie theaters? Would you want your gummy bear to be confronted with that kind of confessions?
The results of Friday`s (1997) studies presented here provide a whole line of approaches for future research: Why do gummy bears refuse adult web site membership (even free membership) so often? Why does the predisposition to scribble frivolous messages on scraps of bag, evident in all gummy bears, so seldom manifest itself in behavior? Why have gummy bears not yet appeared in any talkshows after all, they would have a good deal to talk about.
Baudrillard, Jean (1990).
© 2000 Nicola Doering, Ph.D.
URL of this Paper: